Doubting My Dreams

Doubting My Purpose

I have been taught my entire life to believe this truth. This truth that my life has purpose. This idea that you and me, we are no accidents. We are called to something bigger.

I was created intentionally with the talents and abilities and dreams that I have on purpose. For a purpose.

And, most days I know this to be true. Most days if you were to ask me, I could tell you that I undoubtedly believe this. But, amidst those days of belief, there are moments, and hours, and days of doubting.

There are those moments when I walk by the mirror and take in a glance of my reflection and think to myself “who do you think you are?”

You are JUST Sarah. Just a housewife who spends her days cooking meals and cleaning messes. You are ONLY a stay at home mom, and not a perfect one at that.

There are those times when someone speaks a discouraging word about me, and I believe it. It becomes who I am. I am no longer capable or talented. I am no longer able.

Alone, in the quiet darkness I find myself whispering these words to my God:

“God, I cannot do this.

Father, you must have made a mistake!

If you really KNEW me, you would know that you chose the wrong person. You gave the wrong dream.

If you could only see me, you would see that it can’t be ME. My hair is a mess, and my house is a mess, and my heart, it’s a mess too.

Father, if you could hear me, you would realize, you got it wrong. Because I sometimes speak words out of frustration and anger. Because my lips do not always glorify your name.

God, if you only knew my mistakes, that sometimes I am prone to jealousy. That my heart can be vain. Lord, often I am prideful, or rude, or selfish.

These dreams you have given me, this purpose I am called to, it must be for someone else. Someone more put together, more powerful, less flawed.”

And, there in the stillness, He reminds me:

My child, I know you. I see your heart, your vanity and pride and selfishness, but I have already paid the price.

My child I hear you. Every word you have ever spoken, I knew it would be before it came from your lips.

My child I know what you are capable of because I knit you together. I gave you your talents. I spoke into life your abilities.

My child, I see you. I know your messes and your mistakes. I’ve seen it all, to the very soul of who you are.

My child, you think I do not know? I am your maker. You are mine. Am I not the giver of your dreams? Am I not the one who has called you?

You are forgiven. Trust me my child. You are mine.”

 

Yes, Lord. I am yours. Let me follow after the dreams You have given today.

Psalm 139:1 “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.”

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