Here I am on this most beautiful and miraculous journey. Today, I am just shy of 26 weeks pregnant with my 3rd little blessing.
Here I am on this journey where I am supposed to be in awe each day, because what is happening inside of me truly is awe inspiring.
I am supposed to be filled with joy. I am supposed to feel grateful. I am supposed to be overwhelmed by the goodness of this gift God has given me.
And, in my head I know these things. When I really sit down and think about this pregnancy, this tiny person being knit together inside of my womb, the one I asked God for, I know. I know I have been given a gift. I know I must be grateful.
But, my brain and my heart are having a hard time connecting.
I am in this place of beauty, but beauty is the farthest thing from what I really feel. What I feel today is NOT beautiful.
Today, I am ugly.
Not simply in a physical sense, although my clothes are fitting snugger, and my belly is growing larger, and there seem to be more and more days that come where my hair is not fixed, and my sweat pants serve as real clothes.
No, this ugly I speak of is all encompassing.
My heart is ugly. My thoughts are often ugly. My spiritual, and mental, and physical state is ugly.
I am more exhausted than normal. I am losing more sleep as my body becomes more uncomfortable to be in. My back is achier, my stomach more nauseated. I am weary.
And, I find myself here. At this place where as a result I am more cranky, more prone to be easily angered, more frustrated with my family, and my home, and the tasks that are before me.
I find myself here, where I must try much harder to be kind. The more I try the harder it seems.
I don’t want to be this. I blame it on the hormones, the symptoms, and the fact that there is a little human being inside of me taking everything good I have to give. BUT, at the end of the day I must take responsibility for who I am.
Simply put, here in this place, I need MORE of Him. More of Jesus. More of His grace for myself and for others. More of his compassion, and loving-kindness. More of His strength and patience to make it through each day.
At the end of the day, I must remind myself that I am not defined by this UGLY that I feel. I am not defined by this struggling place where I currently reside.
I am defined by my God, the one who has already paid the price to wash away all the UGLY that I could ever be.
Here, where my heart is aching, and I don’t always understand what I am feeling, He knows me. He loves me. He will help me walk through this place and lead me to a place of joy.
My righteousness is in Him alone. My hope is in Him alone. Today, I will cling to Him alone.
Psalm 62:5-6 “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”