*I wrote this recently in the midst of a real struggle in my own life. This is the first post in a 6 post series entitled “Struggling”. My prayer is that you would be encouraged by my honesty and that God would use this series to help you in the midst of your own struggle, whatever that may be.*
Struggle. I’ve been struggling. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally. For hours, and days, and even some weeks now.
Yes, me, the one who stands in front of a church to lead praise to my God.
Yes, me, the one who gets to stay home with babies and play in the yard throughout the day.
Yes, me, the one who writes about Jesus and all that He is doing, the one who talks about His power, and His healing, and the way He alone satisfies.
Yes, me, the one who has been going to church since before I can even remember.
I am struggling. Today the struggle is lingering. A feeling deep in my gut, a sickness in my stomach.
The struggle overwhelms me throughout the day, and as darkness falls, and I lay alone in the silence it begins to overtake me.
Most days my struggle pours out through my eyes, leaving only traces of tears down my worn cheeks. And, as I stand in the kitchen, while the tears pour out and the supper is making, and I count my blessing, the struggle is still there. Like a burden I cannot get rid of, a weight upon my weak shoulders.
And, sadly, I have been ashamed to speak, mostly because I cannot find the words. Afraid to write, wondering, What will people think of me? Will they see me differently? Will they treat me differently. I am embarrassed to struggle.
How ridiculously silly is that? Who am I to be embarrassed of struggling? After all, I am only human.
You too are human. You too struggle.
Why do I feel like I must pretend to have it all together? I don’t. I can’t.
I feel broken. SO incredibly broken, and I am. Maybe this is God’s way of reminding me how broken I am. Maybe I need to be here so I can need him even greater.
I feel all alone, and yet I know I am not. And you friend, are not alone either.
As these feeling over take my heart each day, I go into battle. Many days I lose, in and of myself. The lies win. The hurt wins. The enemy wins. But only for a day.
The truth is while I feel very hopeless in this rut, I know I have hope
While I feel very lonely, I know I am not alone.
While I feel like no one knows me or sees me, I know the Creator of this Universe is looking down on me with love.
While I feel defeated, I know He has already won this battle.
My God is real and He is big and He is personal. He paid His very life to save me, to love me, to cleanse me. And, that is why it’s OK for me to struggle. It’s OK for you to struggle. Because we are human. Because my God has paid the price for the struggle I face today. Because I cannot do this on my own, and if I could then I would not need Him.
I am struggling. And, I’m not ashamed or embarrassed or afraid to say it.
Take heart my friends, in the midst of your struggle; you are just like the rest of us, broken, messed up, struggling, and so desperately in need of a Savior. Cling to Him today.
John 16: 33 ““I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”