Who am I? A question my heart often wonders these days.
As I sit on my overstuffed sofa, staring into the darkness of evening, reflecting on my day, I wonder, who am I?
When I run into that acquaintance at the grocery store, “What are you doing these days?” they politely ask. “Just being mom” I say with a smile; an important job, still, I wonder, who am I?
As I fill out that questionnaire with the simple phrase “describe yourself”, I ponder, and I grapple for words, and once more I wonder, who am I?
The thing is we are all searching for the answer to this question. We are all seeking to fill that incomplete feeling. But, for most of my life I have filled it. I filled it up with my achievements, my accomplishments, and the title that came before my name.
And, those things became who I was.
But, now here I am, in this season of my life where I desperately want to achieve, I desperately want to accomplish, and it’s as if the Lord gently whispers, “Be still my child.”
In this place where I am waiting and watching for God to show me what BIG thing I am to do next, and He reminds me that sometimes His calling is humble and lowly, and sometimes I must die to my own desires so that I can more fully live for his.
Here I am, where there is no longer a title attached to my name, there is not a reward given out at the end of the day or the month or the year for the mom who did the most dishes, or cleaned the most messes, or held on to her patience the longest. I cannot turn in a list of my accomplishments each day to receive praise from my boss, and most days no one even knows what it is I actually accomplished, including myself.
Here I am, no longer the honor roll student, or the class president; no longer the MVP or the team captain. Here I am, no longer the “most likely to succeed” or the lead solo. I am no longer a member of student council or a valuable employee, or a college athlete. I am just me, Sarah. That’s it.
And, to be honest, it often feels like an aimless place to be. I don’t know how to be here because for as long as I can remember I was striving to outdo, to achieve more, to receive that next accolade from my coach, or my teacher, or my parents.
For years I have allowed myself to be defined by my achievements, NOT that those achievements alone were wrong or un-godly. BUT, because I was defined by them, I did not have to look solely to the Lord to define me.
All along I have been a Child of God, but it seems that was just another ribbon to attach to my badge, another trophy to place on my dresser. In my heart, it did not stand alone.
The sad part is, while I was defined by what I achieved, I was never satisfied by them. Never. Not for one second, because at the end of the day, even all those medals, and awards, and accolades could not satisfy the empty place in my soul. The insecurities of who I am could not be quenched by my own earnings.
For the last months and weeks, I have wondered, “What am I to do? Who am I to be?” Now, I realize, at least for this moment, I must do nothing. I must achieve nothing.
Here I am on this journey of nothing and EVERYTHING at the same time.
Because what He achieved that day on the cross, what He accomplished when He paid my debt so that He could fill my void- THAT is enough. THAT is everything. When He defined me by calling me to be His child- THAT is when my insecurity could be quenched once and for all. In Him alone.
Being His child is not another accomplishment to add to the list, because it is not MY accomplishment. And, unlike all that I have achieved, what He did never falls short.
I belong to the Lord- may my heart find satisfaction simply in that truth.
I am His- may that be everything.
1 John 1:3 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”
2 Corinthians 4:7 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.”