So young, my 21st birthday came, and along with it my first positive pregnancy test. As I saw that line come to life across the white stick, I had NO idea how my life would change. I wanted to be pregnant, I had gotten married the month after my 20th birthday, I was on track to finish college within the year, and I was SO ready to experience motherhood.
As I welcomed my first baby into the world I looked into the lives of my fellow 21 year old friends. They were young, even though we were the same age; their life style was young compared to mine. I looked on as my peers embraced all that is college life, many of them landing career building jobs after college. I watched as they “had fun” and dated around. They spent their summer days care free, and their nights staying up late.
And, the truth is, I really never wanted their life.
That is until now. NOW, as a 25 year old mom of two, I have to confess, some days, if I search into the deep down parts of my soul, the parts that I am so often scared to speak of, I feel a little jealous. Some days, in the really hard moments of this life that is mine, the darkness of my heart speaks regret.
I regret that I was too busy working and striving for the future, to really stop and enjoy the present.
I regret that I didn’t embrace those college days in fullness; rather I settled down early and rushed through my classes simply to get it done.
I regret that I didn’t travel the world, experiencing culture and new exciting things while there were no strings attached.
I regret that I didn’t REALLY go for my dreams, or even realize my dreams until my life was engulfed with motherhood.
I regret that I never built my career.
I regret that I didn’t spend more nights staying up late, being care free.
BUT, can I tell you the thing I will never regret?
I will NEVER regret that precious baby, and the one after her, and the others that may or may not come in the future.
I will NEVER regret being mom.
I will NEVER regret the feeling of looking into my newborns eyes and being overcome with such love, the love that only a mother can understand.
I will NEVER regret the free hugs and kisses that I get on a daily basis, just for being me.
I will NEVER EVER regret those beautiful human beings that my body brought into this world.
I won’t regret the time I spend with them, or the late nights taking care of them, or even the hard moments where I am learning amidst them.
Not for a single moment will I regret this journey that is motherhood, these little people who God is gently using to mold and shape me.
SO, my friend, if you ever feel that tinge of regret, you are not alone. It’s ok. BUT, remind yourself what you might regret if your life were different. Remind yourself of the joys you would have missed out on. Remind yourself of the beauty that is your life.
And, in the hard moments where God is bringing that dark feeling out from the deep places, and He is chipping away at the pieces of your heart that need to be no more, hold on my friend! He is molding you! And, as you allow Him to do so; you can live with NO regret.
Isaiah 64:8 “And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.”