Motherhood: When I’m Losing Myself

 

Some days on this journey of motherhood I feel like I’m losing myself.

Amidst the piles of laundry, and the diapers to be changed, and the “mommy I need you”s, I am slowly fading.

The tasks are many and I become them. I am no longer Sarah. I am mom, kisser of booboos, and maker of meals, and cleaner of messes. I am the maid, and the cook. I am the expert snuggler, and the reader of books. I am the one who fills sippys, and bathes babies, and changes clothes, and makes snacks, and solves problems.

I am wife, the one who schedules bills to be paid, and grocery trips to be made. The one who does what laundry can be done amidst this mountain. I am the meal planner, and the childcare provider, and the errand runner.

I am the keeper of the home. The one who scrubs toilets, and organizes closets, and sweeps floors. The one who undoes the mess that will be done again by morning.

And, some days, on those desperate days, in the trenches, I can no longer find myself.

I have poured myself out and I am empty.

The me that I previously knew, no longer is.

And, my heart grieves.

And as I hang my head, I whisper a prayer. I cry out to the one who made this heart of mine. The giver of these kids and this home and these tasks.

He gently reminds me that I am not my own. I am His.

He faithfully consoles my heart and speaks truth. The truth that I am not defined by these tasks. I am not defined by the daily grind of this life.

I am defined as a Child of the one true King, the Living God.

And, in my emptiness, He begins to fill me again. And, I am thankful.

Jeremiah 10:23 “LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price…”

 

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13 thoughts on “Motherhood: When I’m Losing Myself

  1. so tempting to feel used up and lost. Amen to being filled. He loves us and cares for us and knows much better than we what we need. 🙂 found you on the 5 for 5 thanks for pouring yourself out.

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  2. I am glad that you know who and whose you are. I’ve been where you are now. Don’t lose yourself. You matter to much for that to be allowed to happen. What you are doing for your little ones and your husband is fantastic. You will also serve them by caring for yourself. I hope you don’t think I’m being preachy, but I do know how hard it is, and that you really, really matter. 🙂

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    • O, thank you SO much for your encouraging words! I don’t think you are being preachy and I am always glad to accept advice from those who have been there! The Lord is good, and although I have days where I feel like I’m losing myself He never fails to eventually renew my spirit and remind me who I am.

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  3. This is how I’ve been feeling the past few months. It’s why I’m doing the blogger challenge: something that’s separate from all the many hats I wear, something that uses the gifts He gave me. But I need frequent reminders to seek HIS will for me, not to chase some version of myself that only serves me. Thank you for that.

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    • Sarah, I’m so glad you read. Yes, I always have to seek the Lord for wisdom, not that I in my selfishness seek to be a me that does not honor Him, but that I don’t lose the ME he created ME to be. haha, not sure if that makes sense :0

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  4. Thank you for posting. My kids are past diapers and sippy cups but life with tweens and teens requires just as many hats. I often wonder who I am. I have to daily remind myself that He has chosen my lot. It’s my portion (one reason I named my blog what I did) and He is good to fill it the way that He can be most glorified. I love your blog and am now following. Thanks for sharing your heart and encouraging me today.

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  5. Oh, this is so true. So so true to the experience of mamas everywhere. We are breaking up with ourselves… and God is restoring our true self as we seek Him in the midst of it all. God bless you.

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  6. It’s so easy to feel this way. I’ve been feeling this way lately (feeling like hiding my head between my knees and crying). But, I have to remember that when I do these duties of wife, mom, etc. I am honoring God. Being a keeper of the home is a lot of work; we have to view it as a positive way of living and feel great happiness by the end of the day for a job well done (even if we feel as though we didn’t accomplish much). I am so happy that you wrote about it!

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